Andy Palmer - Fact File....

When where you born? On the 18th February 1979

Where was this? I was born in New Jersey (It's a long story!)

Go on? My father was a session musician and was in New York playing guitar on a new Clash LP. My mother was, still is, a dancer, at the time she was a dancer at half time intervals for the New York Cosmos

Did you go to college? I did, I went to North Walsham High School, I was offered a scholarship at both Cambridge and Durham Universities. I went to Cambridge.

Ah! This is where you met Matt Lucas? No, I met David Walliams there, we wrote plays for the footlights, I wrote material for amoungst others, Alan Carr and Harry Hill.

Can you play any instruments? I am classically trained, I can play the harp.

How is it working with Dave and Confused? It's good thanks, since the dispute and the agreement to pay them damages things have improved.

And you know Morrissey? I number him as one of my close friends yes.

Blimey! Anyone else? I'm working with Elton, Elton John at the moment on a musical about pub quiz machines, but I can't say much more than that.

Who is your hero? Alex Brickham, to lose both arms and still present a radio show, brave.

I am the talent behind the buffoons who are Dave and Confused. In August we will have been on air a whole 2 years, without me can you imagine how dull not only the show, but the whole station would be? Dave & Confused were formed like the Monkees in August 2007 when some mockney Future Radio Producer called me, his name was Dan, he said had a vision for a show and wanted me to play a topical song each week. At first I was disgusted that he spoke to me down a phone, but we met at an out of town hotel, talked figures and I agreed to a salary of $10,000 per show. I am not making this up, I am now on 3 times this figure!  My plan was to take over their silly show, how dare I only be allowed a song per show. At first I adheard to Dan's vision, turning up half way through the banal show, playing my genius song before disapperaring to the strains of some dirge that the clowns were playing. As I would drive off I hatched my plans to take over. And now I have, mwahahahaha! 

Dave and Confused were not happy, Dan was not happy, I had him 'removed'. Where is he now? Exactly.  A furious court case ensued. I agreed to pay them damages in the region of $5,000 each. In return I would furiously plug my CDs gigs and myself. They agreed to take a back seat, essentially being my boot boys. ALL music goes through my agent first, ALL comments made by Dave and Confused is agreed by ME first. Now, with 4 million listeners worldwide, I am the only saving grace of Future Radio. Now, between my jingles, sketches and improvistion I allow Dave and Confused to play songs I have agreed to and speak using words I have agreed to. When I am talking they aid me by opening the many bags of fanmail I recieve. Simone Hayes is now on my payroll and no longer Future's as my tea lady, and I don't even drink tea, I just make her make me cups of tea, I usually throw them away, she then has a contractual obligation to ensure my mugs is always AT LEAST 3/4 full of tea. Dave by the way, has no ears, a truly pathetic rare genetic deformation, and Confused has no sense of smell.

Listen to my genius, 2 -4 pm fridays. Why am I not on a slot when more people will be listening to the greatest comic genius ever? They don't deserve to hear me, that's why.